How I struggle to control my work!

This is an e-mail I sent to the creators of Skoach, a web-based time management tool currently in Beta form. I was trying to explain why I quite using the website, but thought it would be a great explanation to anyone else of why I struggle at work. Of course, you know I can't just write a quick five line reply. Just my nature ... anyway here it is!

I am a computer programmer in a central engineering organization for a tire manufacturer. I support an application which is used in 5 different plants with varying equipment and levels of upgrades. I manage small projects, receive support requests on a daily basis, and administer the Unix systems and databases on which this application relies. On a typical day, I may start out working on a support request from one plant or project related task (which is usually behind schedule) only to be dragged into a meeting, or receive a support request from another plant via phone, e-mail, meeting, or discussion.

I have a hard time saying no or later to an internal customer who is having a real or imagined crisis. Usually, I drop what I'm doing to handle their request if I think I can do it in an hour or two. Also usually, I am wrong in my estimates and it takes longer than I expected. Many times I have been avoiding returning phone calls or e-mail requests because I can't give them the answer I think they expect. So, when they do get through, I feel guilty and try my best to accommodate their request. By and large, my customers are quite forgiving and understanding. However, I feel like a heel for not being able to do what they need (want?) when they need (want?) it. I am not in a position to say what is a want or need because I've never worked in their position. And by the way, my system is a quality control system, so it's pretty important to improving the plant's efficiency in an ever tightening market.

Of course, while I'm off attending a request or pursuing an improvement which I believe will make their work easier, I'm getting further behind on my project work/paperwork. Unfortunately, my boss is not overly concerned with the help requests; he is more focused on the project work because our organization is primarily an engineering group, not a support group. Certainly he recognizes that they need to be done, but prefers I focus more on project work than on everyday support.

So, I'm constantly struggling within myself. My ADD makes me enjoy diversions more than paperwork/etc. I am taking medication, but I need a system to help me control and balance this chaos. I have tried just about everything I have seen: Franklin planners/Daytimers, multiple versions of PDAs (at least 6 through the years, Palm and Windows), MS Outlook, homemade systems, simple notebooks, GTD, Tony Robbins, moleskines with personal adaptations, LifeBalance, web based systems, you name it. If I haven't tried it, I will.

Currently, I am using my Palm TREO 650 with Palm desktop, and a PHP based system installed on one of my servers called PHProjekt (open source). It seems to keep track of help requests, project tasks, and working hours fairly well, but is only available when logged into my work network.

My project dates and deadlines are constantly shifting and usually contingent on something or someone beyond my control. And I'm usually not made aware when things change. I don't even believe in dates anymore. I'm sure it's not unique, but I really do believe they have cut staff to the point where we can never meet expectations. So most of us just adopt a siege mentality of "do what I can while I'm here and don't care if it doesn't get done." I think most of the time/task management systems presume that some things in your work environment can be or are controlled. The only thing I can control is my code and systems. Most of the time, my days are like three ring circuses and I'm an invisible ringmaster.

Sorry to gripe or unload on you, but perhaps you have a better perspective and can suggest something I haven't tried. Also, maybe it can help you with the design of Skoach. I really wish it were available on my PDA, but syncing it would be tough unless it synced with the Palm desktop.

So what about Skoach didn't work? Not having access to it all the time is probably the biggest thing. Also, not having time to enter all the things I have outstanding on my plate. Not being able to (or taking the time to) record the distractions that happen during the day. I did have some issues with usability. I use FireFox and most of the time the calendar popup was messed up. Also, I never got the quick task option on the calendar.

I must say that this wasn't my most determined attempt to use a new system because I've kind of given up on electronic systems. I'm about ready to go back to a paper planner and use my Palm as a reminder system. Do what I can and forget about the rest. If they fire me, maybe I'll become a gardener or something. But seriously, I've seen incompetence go "unrewarded" for so long in the management ranks, I'm not really too worried. I suppose it's the death of my work ethic. I do worry about my customers because some of them have become close friends, but we all seem to be in similar positions. More work than can possibly be done; management totally out of touch and control.

Well, believe it or not, I really do enjoy my work (or at least the programming side). I used to worry a lot about not meeting my customers expectations. Maybe it's the Lexapro or maybe it's getting tired of the stress of being overwhelmed, but I don't care so much anymore.
I'll try to give Skoach another try because I really like the idea of a program targeted at ADD people. And I think it's probably the most user friendly web-based program I've ever seen.

Please let me know if there is anything you can recommend. I'll try to make Skoach work.

Thanks for your time.

On 7/11/07, Kathleen Nadeau wrote:

Would be interested to hear more about your problems related to style and type of work.

Kathleen Nadeau, Ph.D.

On 7/6/07, I > wrote:

Can't write much right now. Will comment later, but mostly had problems with my style/type of work.

On 7/6/07, Kathleen Nadeau at skoach> wrote:

Dear Skoach™ Beta Volunteer,

We'd really appreciate a quick reply to this email!

We've noticed that you stopped using Skoach™. Simply reply to this email, please, and let us know what changed your interest in Skoach™ so that we can improve our product for others with ADD.

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new life all around me

here it comes again! As I feel the earth shrug off the bonds of winter and come to life again, my spirit is inspired to create. So, hopefully, in the coming days, I can renew my commitment to spew forth fresh new thoughts onto the pages of this blog.
Well, enough spewing for now, back to work.

Passion vs Productivity

In struggling with my seeming lack of ability to control myself to accomplish tasks both at work and at home, I have sought wisdom from many sources. I have read books from great motivators. I have talked with friends and co-workers who don't seem to struggle with the same problems. I have tried various techniques, methods and computer software to force me into being more productive. I have scoured the Internet hoping for some guidance to assist me. Some pearl of truth that would show me the way to channel myself into the person I desire to be. A practical suggestion that holds the key to unlocking the hidden potential I believe I have.

Frustrated at never being able to stick to a method for long or faithfully apply a technique, I have sought assistance through the medical profession and counseling. Perhaps the problem is physical or mental. I don't seem to be receiving much assistance from this population either. Yes, the medicine does seem to allow me to focus more completely. But if the focus is misguided, that doesn't really help the outcome. It doesn't make me more productive, it just makes me more focused when I'm not productive. The counselor's advice seems to be the Nike approach, "Just Do It". You're lazy, you just need to decide to do what you want to do. Or know you should do. Or perhaps it's not really that important to you. Or maybe you just don't want to do it subconsciously. Or ..... I was hoping for practical advice, helpful hints, different approaches. Instead I got a lot of possibilities all leading back to myself. What else should I have expected. In the end, only I know myself well enough to change myself.

And yet the religious crowd says, you can't change yourself. Only God can change you. But after years of supplication and pious self-help advice, I've realized that although my heavenly Father certainly loves me and can be a great source of encouragement, He isn't going to miraculously wipe my heart and mind. I love Him, and thank Him, and seek Him, but He isn't going to take away this problem for me. I have to find a way through it while listening for His guidance in my own heart.

So, where does that leave me?

Through all the self-analysis, I perceive that my senses seem to be getting in the way of my productivity (perhaps the true benefit of any counselor is their role as a guide to finding the answer yourself). Those senses which were awakened earlier in my life though the agency of "The Titanic" and Puerto Rico (though surely existing before that, they were intentionally repressed as sinful or wrong), are very important to me. They are the conduit to experiencing life and enjoying my little sojourn on this planet. They are the source of passion in my life; and life just isn't worth living without passion! I truly believe the real key to excelling in work, home, and community is passion.

Yet uncontrolled, they have led me down many rabbit trails and caused me to waste countless hours. The realization that my supply of hours is rapidly dwindling causes real fear that I am wasting my life on frivolities. And when that carries over to work, it adds trouble to my customer's lives and wastes valuable company resources. I am frustrated and fearful at the same time. Even angry at myself. I feel like a failure. What's wrong with me? Why can't I lick this problem? Why have I allowed it to impede me for so long?

It leaves me asking, "Which should be the true priority?"

• Attending to and satisfying my senses, or
• Ignoring my senses, at least for a some time, and mortifying them to get the job done.

The senses seem to be my true nature, but is my true nature impeding my progress at work? Which is more important? Can you have passion in your work and ignore it in the rest of your life?

Is it possible that those great giants of efficiency, those lights of industry, only felt passion for their work, and so excelled at the cost of other areas of their lives? If so, are we deluding ourselves, those of us whose passions are so diverse? Can you cultivate one passion and kill the others without imprisoning your soul and so killing the very passion you hope to foster?

Intuitively, it seems you can not isolate your passions, yet I have no objective evidence to support that idea. Passion certainly makes life fuller and more enjoyable! Is it the enemy of productivity?

You can't have passion if you ignore your senses. Yet, if your senses impede the object of one of your passions, can it be controlled? Can you channel your senses without eventually dulling them?

So, must we choose between the passionate life and the productive life? Probably so. But maybe ... Maybe there's a way to balance your Xi, your life force, your soul, between passion and productivity. Perhaps it might even enhance the benefits of both? I must find out! I must find that balance!

Maybe I have been too greedy with indulging my senses without realizing it. Perhaps I have neglected the productive side of my life and work sometimes? Maybe the trick is to be aware of the need for balance and to decide to practice both, but in moderation and at appropriate times? Maybe it is possible to satisfy both the desire for passion in life and productivity in my chosen pursuits?

I'll let you know when I figure it out. One thing is certain, I can't maintain any balance with the load I currently attempt to maintain. I've got to simplify my life and get rid of some pursuits. The problem there is that the higher quality pursuits provide less immediate pleasure than the wasteful occupations. And so we eventually get back to the question of maturity? Is it possible that a man in his 40s, who's managed to keep a career and family together (though admittedly, not in great shape) is actually just being immature? arrggghhh! Back to self-flagellation! ENOUGH!

Pomomusings: Faith Statements

I have been reading Adam Cleaveland's blog pretty regularily for about a year. He spent an amazing summer in Palestine and opened my eyes to their perspective on the Israeli/Palestinian conflict. He has also introduced me to the Emergent Church. I really like a lot of what they are doing, though, of course, not everything (I'm getting used to that, guess I'm just to warped by my personal experience to see things from a normal point of view).

One of his latest posts is a statement of faith which is a requirement at Princeton Theological Seminary. I really like this. It puts the whole history of the earth into perspective and I believe reflects God's point of view well. Check it out!

Work to do

Here we are! A small two bedroom house doesn't seem that big until you try to drag out all the soggy, stinky, belongings. And, oh by the way, I had to remove the decayed body of the family dog, a Pomeranian.