In struggling with my seeming lack of ability to control myself to accomplish tasks both at work and at home, I have sought wisdom from many sources. I have read books from great motivators. I have talked with friends and co-workers who don't seem to struggle with the same problems. I have tried various techniques, methods and computer software to force me into being more productive. I have scoured the Internet hoping for some guidance to assist me. Some pearl of truth that would show me the way to channel myself into the person I desire to be. A practical suggestion that holds the key to unlocking the hidden potential I believe I have.
Frustrated at never being able to stick to a method for long or faithfully apply a technique, I have sought assistance through the medical profession and counseling. Perhaps the problem is physical or mental. I don't seem to be receiving much assistance from this population either. Yes, the medicine does seem to allow me to focus more completely. But if the focus is misguided, that doesn't really help the outcome. It doesn't make me more productive, it just makes me more focused when I'm not productive. The counselor's advice seems to be the Nike approach, "Just Do It". You're lazy, you just need to decide to do what you want to do. Or know you should do. Or perhaps it's not really that important to you. Or maybe you just don't want to do it subconsciously. Or ..... I was hoping for practical advice, helpful hints, different approaches. Instead I got a lot of possibilities all leading back to myself. What else should I have expected. In the end, only I know myself well enough to change myself.
And yet the religious crowd says, you can't change yourself. Only God can change you. But after years of supplication and pious self-help advice, I've realized that although my heavenly Father certainly loves me and can be a great source of encouragement, He isn't going to miraculously wipe my heart and mind. I love Him, and thank Him, and seek Him, but He isn't going to take away this problem for me. I have to find a way through it while listening for His guidance in my own heart.
So, where does that leave me?
Through all the self-analysis, I perceive that my senses seem to be getting in the way of my productivity (perhaps the true benefit of any counselor is their role as a guide to finding the answer yourself). Those senses which were awakened earlier in my life though the agency of "The Titanic" and Puerto Rico (though surely existing before that, they were intentionally repressed as sinful or wrong), are very important to me. They are the conduit to experiencing life and enjoying my little sojourn on this planet. They are the source of passion in my life; and life just isn't worth living without passion! I truly believe the real key to excelling in work, home, and community is passion.
Yet uncontrolled, they have led me down many rabbit trails and caused me to waste countless hours. The realization that my supply of hours is rapidly dwindling causes real fear that I am wasting my life on frivolities. And when that carries over to work, it adds trouble to my customer's lives and wastes valuable company resources. I am frustrated and fearful at the same time. Even angry at myself. I feel like a failure. What's wrong with me? Why can't I lick this problem? Why have I allowed it to impede me for so long?
It leaves me asking, "Which should be the true priority?"
- Attending to and satisfying my senses, or
- Ignoring my senses, at least for a some time, and mortifying them to get the job done.
The senses seem to be my true nature, but is my true nature impeding my progress at work? Which is more important? Can you have passion in your work and ignore it in the rest of your life?
Is it possible that those great giants of efficiency, those lights of industry, only felt passion for their work, and so excelled at the cost of other areas of their lives? If so, are we deluding ourselves, those of us whose passions are so diverse? Can you cultivate one passion and kill the others without imprisoning your soul and so killing the very passion you hope to foster?
Intuitively, it seems you can not isolate your passions, yet I have no objective evidence to support that idea. Passion certainly makes life fuller and more enjoyable! Is it the enemy of productivity?
You can't have passion if you ignore your senses. Yet, if your senses impede the object of one of your passions, can it be controlled? Can you channel your senses without eventually dulling them?
So, must we choose between the passionate life and the productive life? Probably so. But maybe ... Maybe there's a way to balance your Xi, your life force, your soul, between passion and productivity. Perhaps it might even enhance the benefits of both? I must find out! I must find that balance!
Maybe I have been too greedy with indulging my senses without realizing it. Perhaps I have neglected the productive side of my life and work sometimes? Maybe the trick is to be aware of the need for balance and to decide to practice both, but in moderation and at appropriate times? Maybe it is possible to satisfy both the desire for passion in life and productivity in my chosen pursuits?
I'll let you know when I figure it out. One thing is certain, I can't maintain any balance with the load I currently attempt to maintain. I've got to simplify my life and get rid of some pursuits. The problem there is that the higher quality pursuits provide less immediate pleasure than the wasteful occupations. And so we eventually get back to the question of maturity? Is it possible that a man in his 40s, who's managed to keep a career and family together (though admittedly, not in great shape) is actually just being immature? arrggghhh! Back to self-flagellation! ENOUGH!
